Jogging – The Devil’s Pastime

My brother and I went jogging yesterday. I’m an athlete (Alright, so that’s not entirely true. But I was part of my school’s volleyball varsity. And I do go shopping on a regular basis), so that shouldn’t really be a big deal. Of course, Royce (that’s the devil’s name) had an entirely treacherous concept of what I thought was “easy jogging”.

I was actually tremendously excited when he suggested we go running after mass. I don’t exactly have the Kate Moss of bodies, so I have to watch my weight. I’m not fat though – not anymore, anyway. I used to be really really fat. In fact, I weighed 9 lbs. when I was born (I was heavier than my three brothers at birth). When I was in kindergarten, I was the biggest in my class – boys included. My mom was afraid I’d grow up and become a whale, so she gave me her “healthy diet” lecture, hoping that I’d mature into a normal-sized creature.

Anyway, we arrived at Sports Complex in high spirits. I was ready to do some laps and hopefully shave off a few excess pounds. Royce, the big buffoon, decided to make me his little project.

So he made me jog. 5 rounds. Straight.

Royce (R): Ok. We’ll do 10 rounds.
Me (M):  What??!!
R: Pila ka laps maubra mo straight haw?
M: Eh? Err. Two.
R: Lang?
M: Yeah. And I’m getting pretty tired.
R: Well, we’re doing… 5 rounds today.
M: Okay. But medyo kapoy na ko gamay.

(After 2 rounds)

R: Okay, you can do it. You’re going to be thinner. 5 rounds!
M: I don’t want to anymore! I’ll get liposuction.
R: You have no money.
M: I can’t do it. I have to stop now!
R: Kay, no! (He pushes me forward).
M: Sakit na kilid ko.
R: Pain is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion. There’s no such thing.
M: It does to me. I feel it right now. I have to stop.
R: Hindi mag-untat. Go. Jog. Athlete ka.
M: I’m not an athlete! I’ll go shopping instead.
R: Naano ka man?
M: I don’t care anymore. I’m a wimp. I’m a wuss!
R: O sige. Slow jog na lang. Malakat-lakat ta after the 5th round.
M: I hate you’re stinking guts!
R: One more round to go.
M: Manong! Daw mahibi na ‘ko.
R: Ano mas nami pamatian? That you did 4 rounds straight? Or 5 rounds straight? 5 rounds eh!
M: Shut up!

To add to my misery, he made me do 3 sets of 12 sit-ups (That’s 36 crunches!), 3 sets of 10 leg-raisings (I forgot what it was called because of the gut-wrenching pain), and 3 sets of  10 “lady push-ups” (I can actually do “fake push-ups”. But it wasn’t enough for Mr. Look-I’m-A-Trainor).

I was seriously contemplating punching him in the face. I’d knock his nose right off and send it flying to Somalia where pirates could turn it into stew. Then we’ll see how good an athlete I am.

I’m sore all over now. I can’t feel my arms. My legs have gone numb. My stomach feels like an elephant stood on it.

Royce is a pig. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat.

Things I Can Do To Smarten Up (A Bit)

I think summer is that time of year when one’s sole existence is dedicated to sleeping until noon and obliterating all useful information you’ve learned the past school year. But while that sounds like a capital idea, I’m tired of being completely useless around the house.

1. Read/research on Romeo and Juliet.
   

   I really don’t know anything about these two epic lovebirds except that they ended up dying “because of their eternal love each other” (How disgustingly romantic) and that their families were the biggest of mortal enemies. Then what?

   (What is up with their names? Juliet Capulet? Romeo Montague? It’s like naming me Kia Banana.)

2. Read the newspaper. Bask in the warmth of current events.
   

   My mom nags like the plague. She thinks I don’t know who the president of the United States is. I’m perfectly aware that it’s Oprah.

   No?

3. Take up an instrument – any instrument.
4. Watch Discovery Channel for a change.
   

   My brother and I watched this documentary called Man vs Wild. It’s about learning to survive when you find yourself in a rut away from the comforts of home and a decent bathroom. The guy ate goat testicles, drank elephant dung juice (He squeezed the water out of elephant droppings) and  jumped into a bog (which he said smelled and tasted like a thousand cities worth of sewage) voluntarily. What say you?

5. Research on the holocaust. Get a decent WWII movie while you’re at it.
   

   Would it be totally inappropriate if I said I loved that part of history? What I mean to say is that I like reading or watching films about the second world war. Hitler’s anti-Semitism movement and supremacy propaganda were the most inhuman undertakings the world has seen. At what point does a man lose all sense of compassion and humanity?

6. Learn more about photography.
   

   I started taking up lomography last year and have become a proud lomo junkie. It’s costing me a fortune, but as I always say: It’s worth every penny.

   I’m still dreaming of an SLR though. I’m thinking a couple years of starvation will do it. My parents are having trouble swallowing the amount of dough it will cost to buy me one. But I’m keeping my hopes up.

7. Listen to tunes aside from rock music. It doesn’t even have to be classical.
8. Learn to cook. Dumping leftovers in a pan does not count.
9. Get some exercise. I’m serious.
   

   Okay. I’m getting miserably bloated. All I do is look forward to the next meal. I’m starting to miss volleyball practices. I even miss being sore from all the running and crawling.

10. Get some sleep. You look like the walking dead. It’s unbecoming. Stop sleeping after midnight.

To my first list, Folks. Wish me luck.

The Moppet Lists (An Introduction)

Remember that off-the-hook idea I was talking about a couple of days ago about making lists? Well, I decided to power through with it. This is an introduction to the experiment which will be known from then on as:

The Moppet Lists (A Social Experiment)

I plagiarized this from the movie The Bucket List (starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman) with a few quirky changes. I’ve watched it four times in the last two weeks and have become hopelessly addicted (It has been recently awarded a spot in my Fab Movies Hall of Fame). The concept is more or less the same.

Rules

1. I will make lists of the things I plan to do, need to do, want to do, etc.
2. In this experiment, nothing has to make perfect sense.
3. Also, I am not compelled to follow the list.
4. However, it is preferred that I do.
5. This is purely recreational. No one (the author and the reader) is allowed to get a hemorrhage over it.

Etymology

• The Bucket List

• Did you know that the word moppet means young child?

• I read The Story of Miss Moppet (by Beatrix Potter, the author who wrote The Tale of Peter Rabbit) on the internet.

Miss Moppet is a cat trying to catch a mouse. She hits her head on a cupboard and ties a duster in her head. The curious mouse comes near a hurt-looking Miss Moppet. But apparently, that was all a ruse. Miss Moppet wraps the duster over the mouse and tosses it like a ball. But there is a hole in the duster! The mouse wriggles its way free, and does a jig on top of the cupboard.

(I don’t know how to explain to you the relevance of this story. In fact, I think it’s best we not think about it at all)

Stay tuned.

Scout’s Anti-Boredom Potion (One Dose Cures All)

Hey, a little heads up. I just graduated from highschool (I do a little jig here). It’s absolutely liberating. Don’t get me wrong. I feel quite sad about leaving my home outside of home (school, I mean) after 13 years, but the fact that I actually braved through that teenage jungle is amazing. I feel like I should be given a title or something.

For the record,  I graduated on a Saturday, March 28, 2009 at about 6:00 in the evening in our school’s chapel.

And after we made our exit from the chapel, when all my batchmates were breaking down and hugging each other as if someone was dying of salmonella, I did not cry – or so I’ve convinced myself. I dare anyone to challenge that (I can be a total jerk/bad-ass now that I’ve graduated. It’s not like they can take back my diploma or something. Brilliant, no?)

I’m going into the third week of summer vacation and I am positively bored out of my mind. There’s nothing else to look forward to except Facebook (which, let’s face it, is nothing more but a direct consequence of the boredom I will be dying from). I have read and reread all the books I have. I feel like a sack of potatoes, and no one wants any more french fries.

It’s not like I’m not trying. I just finished To Kill a Mockingbird – again – which is a marvelous book but I’m not going to read it another fifty times. The first week after my “apparent” freedom I decided I’d become minutely productive. I was going to take up piano again. I downloaded all the piano pieces I could get my tiny fingers on. Halfway through Alanis Morissette’s Ironic, I chose to start learning John Vesely’s Fall For You. I went as far as the Intro when I realized that my butt was dying on the piano seat. So, I decided to stretch my legs and fingers for a moment or two. Two weeks have passed and I haven’t been in front of the piano since.

I bought a couple of DVDs hoping to have something remotely exciting to do. I watched a couple or so and had a few good laughs, but then suddenly the whole thing lost its touch. I settled on playing guitar to kill time, but I’m not half as good as my brothers, so that died down after a while. I went back to good old regular TV programs, but then flipping channels all day was giving me a tiny embolism. I sought refuge with the scientific breakthrough that is The Internet. I downloaded this and that. I played Mafia Wars in Facebook. I watched a few videos in Youtube. I answered quizzes in Facebook. I thought of making a new layout for my sites, but I never got round to starting. I played Fashion Wars in Facebook. I’m on the verge of marrying Facebook. It’s disgusting.

But then, like an epiphany, it came to me.

I have this excellent idea of making lists. You know, like Books to Read this Summer, Friends to Strike a Conversation With, Food to Stuff Down My Throat, etc. Normal stuff, really.

I’m thinking of making my first list a bit on the scholastic side, because I don’t want to start on the wrong foot and make you think I’m a madcap fool. The thing is: not a lot of people know I’m a bit eccentric, to say the least. I’m trying to be subtle about it. I don’t know if it’s working.

Here’s a toast to summer. I hope it doesn’t kill us all. And I’m not just talking about the heat.

Cheeehrrs.

P.S. Happy Lenten Season to one and all.

P.S. (The Sequel) I’ve finally decided that I’m going to Ateneo for college. You wouldn’t understand, but this is such a great achievement for me to be making decisions like this. Unfortunately (or fortunately for me), I never plan on telling you how I came to this decision. Needless to say, I have a tendency of blocking very painful memories at the point that I’ve become rather exceptional at it.